The whirlwind of 2023

When reflecting on this past year I cannot help but think of Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities. He opens with a brilliant paradox... “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us.” I’m not going to try to compare my life to the French Revolution, although you never know what hidden parallels you might find, but I will use this small quote. This has been one of the best years of my life but also one of the worst years.  

To start off with the good... My mind and heart are so full of memories and love that this year brought me. I imagine every memory as a little present just for me. No one else will perceive all these moments the exact way I have. No one will remember the key of laughter or that specific smell that reminds me that everything will be okay or that song lyric that so perfectly relates to my thoughts. How strange and beautiful is it that you are the only person that has full access to the treasures of your mind? Sit back and think awhile, you might be forgetting about the most precious gifts in the chest, that is your mind and heart. I believe the chest is fuller than you may think. In other words, count your blessings. 

I have done more traveling this year than in my whole life probably. I have been blessed to explore many different states and two new countries. I’ve experienced the hot sun on the beach and watched the way it shines on the water. I’ve seen the sun’s loyalty to the world. Up every morning to provide beauty and warmth. It is a small reminder of the goodness and mercy of our God... powerful, often taken for granted, lovely, graceful, a friend. And I have experienced so much laughter too. Between the strangest strangers and the most loving lovers, I have seen that joy and laughter are not reserved for certain people. To laugh is such a blessing. Laughter is a small reminder that one day we will be part of an eternal gathering and the most joy we have seen here and now is but a glimpse of what is yet to come. We must not forget the hope we have, and we must tune our ears to the key of the cries of nature around us shouting reminders of this. I do not want to let these little things pass me by for I believe they are the most important things. They often add up to be the biggest things. Little by little. These are the best of times 

Now for the juxtaposition... the worst of times. Being face to face with death is a scary place to be, especially when it catches you of guard and you had seldom, if any time to prepare your mind or your heart for something like that. It is quite literally the valley of the shadow of death. The valley is dark and haunted with voices asking unanswerable questions. It is a hard place to get out of but easy to get sucked in. Often it feels as if all roads lead back to the valley. It is a place that empties you of all feelings of home or security. It leaves you feeling uneasy and longing for a place you used to call home. But it has robbed you of home too and perhaps you will never get it back. What is this thing we call home? Is it a place? A person? A feeling? I think you ought to take what you can get. The valley has changed me. I will never be the same. Everyone knows I have changed or didn’t know the old me at all. My story is rewritten. I wear the valley like a badge tattooed on. Or does it wear me?  

Do you see what a strange paradox 2023 has been for me. What an odd array of emotions and events that came together in perfect chaos. Though it may not seem, I have to believe that this year went exactly the way it was supposed to go. Every minute. Every second. Every thought. Missing a cruise, learning to wakeboard, traveling overseas, breaking my foot, moving into my first apartment, seeing that perfect sunset in Destin, getting my first boyfriend, even my brother shooting himself in the head and taking his own life. I have come to anticipate the unpredictable nature of life. It seems to be working in my favor, it seems to be my greatest enemy. The only way I have gotten through this year is because of the Lord’s mercy and loyalty to me. He is always on my side. His will is mysterious, but it is purposeful. I cling to the hope that he gives me for I have found that life has not provided me with anything to cling on thus far. The Lord is the light in the valley. The illumination of all things beautiful, showing me peace and happiness. Lewis once said, “God cannot give us happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.” He gives me the strength to climb out of the valley and make it to the top of a mountain. Then sings my soul, how great Thou art. How beautiful. 

I think I have learned some serious humility this year. Not everything is about me. Every day is not supposed to be one that could be the scene of a movie, but for someone else it could be. How many people heard the gospel because of the death of Julian? What if it guaranteed someone else a place in heaven? Even if only one person got saved because of Julian’s death shouldn’t that be enough? This death has opened a series of opportunities to change the lives of others and I would be a fool not to take them. I cannot live this life for myself, and I must keep telling myself this and practicing this mentality. Especially when I was unable to go on a cruise that I was excited for for months and had to spend the week with my grandparents instead. But when I saw the joy they had on their face and their appreciation for my presence, I knew it wasn’t supposed to have gone any other way.  

Remember everyone stores their own treasures in their mind and heart—don't let your own pride get in the way of that opportunity for them. Don’t miss the times God reveals purpose to the sufferings he wills for your life. The purpose is filled with so much beauty. Do not let “someday” fog how you perceive today. Today may be the someday you once prayed for—don’t miss it. 

I could spend countless hours reflecting on the times and the memories of 2023 but for now I will leave this very vague yet also strangely specific reflection as it is. Full of paradoxes, hopefully carrying with it a small, sweet aroma of gratitude that I have for this life.